Probably the most interesting story of the Grammys was the absence of R&B power couple Chris Brown and Rihanna. Apparently CB went all ghetto on RiRi’s ass and smacked her around. Tsk tsk.
Moving on. I present to you, the one and only Whitney Houston. Yeah, the Grammy people dragged her out of whatever hole she’s been living in since the split, dressed her up in a nice dress, and pushed her out on stage. From the looks of it, she’s back on the crack people! Bobbaaaaay! She managed to keep it together enough to award best R&B album to a very deserving Jennifer Hudson. She’s been through a lot this year, so go her.
Cut to The Rock, whom we’re calling “Dwayne Johnson” now, I guess. It’s quite possible he wrote his three sad little jokes all by himself. But he seemed super excited to be there, so,
whatever. More bad jokes from Justin Timberlake, who flops sans-SNL, including the kicker:
JT: “It was called the general store, because it was
Audience: *blink blink*
But, his falsetto wars with Rev. Al Green, backed up by Keith Urban and Boyz 2 Men (yep, still around)was a winner for being the last minute fill-in for Chris “Bitch-Slap” Brown.
Now to my favorite part, Chris Martin (introduced by that guy from The Mentalist, a shameless CBS plug) playing Lost+ at a funky painted piano, leading into the powerhouse Viva la Vida, and a win for Best Song. Yay!
That was the high point. So brace yourselves, it just gets worse from here.
Up comes Carrie Underwood in a whore-tastic little dress, singing about a one-night stand—Country is God’s music! Followed by Kid Rock...seriously people, how did he get a three-song medley?
Anyway, next was the highly-anticipated event mentioned in every Grammy ad, the “first ever” duet between tween favorites Miley Cyrus and her “best friend” Taylor Swift. They sang a cutsie little song about high school and being 15 (Miley would know about this because she spent 3 years of her life being 15). Taylor was sweet, and Miley was a little bit stagey, but she pulled out her Achy-Breaky twang and made it all better.
NOTE: This is where Alison Krauss and Robert Plant start sweeping the awards with their music no one under 30 has heard. Ok, so she’s talented, we know.
And now a special event, three things I learned from the J-Bros…
- A boy band with instruments (yes, even the congos, middle Jonas) is still a boy band.
- Being chastity-mongers doesn’t prevent you from being gay gay gay.
- Little Jonas needs a refresher on the lyrics of Superstitious, and how to keep your cool when you forget them, especially before you perform with Stevie.
Oh, here’s a headline, I guess Blink 182 is back together. This predictable Grammy stunt had former adolescent males everywhere rejoicing. Although now they’re adults living in basements, keeping Blizzard financially secure.
Another good Chris Martin bit, after winning Rock Album of the Year, says: “We’re not the heaviest of rock bands, as you may have noticed. We’re more of a limestone kind of rock—a little softer, but just as charming.” And headed right back to his chair instead of the bowels of the stage.
Now I used to think there wasn't anything much worse than Katy Perry performing live, but the Grammys proved—there is. Katy Perry performing live, descending from the eaves in a giant glittery banana with an outfit and stage-props channeling Carmen Miranda, screeching her tired old song while half-assedly dancing and groping herself. 2008 is over, send her back where she came from.
And one more thing the JBros taught me…no one with a 3D Disney Movie in the works should ever win Best New Artist—so good thing Adele and her scary nails won. Black tips to match your black dress? I love her and her adorably British little self, but she needs to be referred to a new manicurist. And can somebody please tell Kanye nobody likes, or understands the purpose of his weird 80s haircut?
Next came another ‘headliner’ Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Yeah, so everybody loves Paul McCartney and he’s still relevant, and talented, blah blah. We knew this. But it made for a good Jack Black joke: “Before the break we heard from a promising new bass player named McCartney. Remember that name people, he’s gonna be big.”
Then, even more shameless promotion of CBS, pimping the new, and likely inane show Gary, Unmarried by resurrecting Jay Mohr to introduce an act with Mr. Irrelevant, LL Cool J. T.I. tests the tape delay with 3 seconds of censored material, and then, everyone’s favorite part of every awards show *cough*, a message from the President of the Academy. The gist: Hey President Obama, remember when we gave you one of these gold gramophone statues...twice? Listen up. We need a cabinet position for the Secretary of the Arts.
After the final commercial break, Robert Plant rounds out the night by winning Album of the Year with Alison Krauss, and not only taking his time “thanking” well into the get-off-the-stage music, but inviting someone else to speak AFTER the music had started. Way to take us out, Bob.
Until next year (or the Oscars)…